Today is September 19, 2018.
It's one month since my dad died.
I haven't blogged in three years.
That may not be significant to anyone except me. In fact, I may not have any readers, and that is okay. I started this blog to keep my friends and family in the loop of our adventures in Colorado. I started it in 2010 and I cannot believe it's been that long. Our move to Colorado was, I thought, the hardest thing I could ever do. Turns out it wasn't the most difficult challenge I've faced. This, right now, losing a parent. Helping my dad in his last days, helping do things for him I never thought I'd have to do, that is the hardest thing I've ever faced. My writing right now is purely cathartic. I was told to journal, this is my version. This isn't private like a journal is, but I don't want it to be. I don't want to hide my feelings, I want to put them out there lest others feel similarly. Over the years I've occasionally re-read old posts, it's been nostalgic and enjoyable. I don't think this post will yield the same feelings, but it will serve as a reminder to me. Just 6 short months ago we got life changing news, and throughout the duration I've grieved, and grieved, In fact as I was preparing myself for my dad's impending passing I actually thought I'd grieved so much already that it probably wouldn't be so hard, and I'd be strong. Well, I WAS strong, and I continue to be strong, because sometimes it feels like I have to be the one to keep everyone else together. But, it was NOT easy. I lost grandparents. My grandmother Elsa, my dad's mother, was especially hard for me, we were so close. It's been 17 years since she passed and I still miss her. My dad though, dammit, this is a new misery. Tonight is especially hard as I was feeling sad all day and couldn't figure out why today seemed so much harder than yesterday or the day before. Then I realized it's been a whole month. A month that literally feels like a day. It feels as fresh as the day we found out he had cancer. I've learned that I've become a member of this club that nobody wants to be a member of. I know this as people have sent me private messages sharing their stories of losing a parent. It's a wound that doesn't heal I believe. I think it changes, but never goes away. Currently this is where I am at... I WANT to look at pictures of my dad, I WANT to watch videos of him playing music, I WANT to remind my kids how much Pop Pop loved them because I am terrified they will forget. But I can't. I can't do it right now, I have to avoid it all, and I am afraid it's going to double up and crush me when I least expect it. I found out that Arni has EAP through his job so that's on the list of things to do. I think I can get a grief counselor for a few sessions through that. I am not too proud to admit I need help coping. It's so strange how the rest of the world just rolls on and mine still feels like it's standing still. I imagine grief is like that though. I never realized emotional pain could manifest as physical pain, but I've since learned it can. I feel I am too young to have lost my father. I've lost so much more than that, I've lost the one person in this world who I feel understood me the most. The one person who would shoot me a glance from across the room and I knew exactly what he was thinking. The person who I could call and complain to about anyone or anything and he always remained neutral and non-judgmental. The person who I could count on to notice when I got a new haircut, or dressed up. He was never ashamed of paying a compliment either, my dad always told me I looked pretty, or how proud of me he was. In fact, immediately before my dad got sick I was accepted into graduate school. The first semester I was especially struggling and I sat next to him reading my chapters while he rested and he looked up and said "Kaytie, you know you don't have to go back to school for us to be proud of you, we are proud of everything you are." My dad wasn't necessarily a man of many words, contrary to what many think because he was such an entertainer. He could work a crowd blindfolded, but when it came to real conversations, you know, the stuff that life is all about, those words were chosen carefully. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever written and you bet there are tears falling from my eyes. I haven't called my dad "Daddy" likely since I was 9 years old, and I never really thought of myself as a daddy's girl, but I think I was. I know he had a soft spot for me and I could really get away with asking more of him than anyone I know. I know that I am more like him than anyone else, I have his wit, his sarcasm and even some of his grumpiness. Towards the end, when he could still walk, I was sitting in their dining room helping my mom with her phone, when my dad got up from his chair, walked over to me and kissed me on the lips. Something he likely hadn't done in 30 years. I was immediately reverted to being a little girl and touched by his willingness to be vulnerable. I have no regrets, and I am thankful for that. I do not regret moving back to Florida, I do not regret not going back to work to help my parents, I said everything I wanted to say to my dad, I told him I loved him a thousand times, I gave him hugs, I kissed his forehead, I held his hand, and I told him it was okay to go. I wish we had more time together, I wish my kids got to know him better, and I wish cancer didn't exist, it's a cruel disease. I haven't even decided if I will start sharing my blog again, perhaps in time I will. I know I will feel joy eventually and I'll have some wonderful things to write about again. For now though, I've decided to take a break from social media, spend more time with my family and more time on myself. There is nothing like death to make you evaluate how you are living your life. It's a shame we don't listen better to those who have experienced before us. So I will conclude with this: If you are lucky enough to have one or both of your parents, give them a hug, don't feel silly to say I Love You. Extend that beyond your parents, hug your partner, your kids, your pets. Surround yourself with positive people who love you, do things that make you happy, don't be afraid to say no. Don't hold grudges, forgive. Don't wait too long to say you are sorry, say and do all the things you think you will have time for "one day", and don't be afraid to ask for help. If you have ever experienced something similar, or have suggestions on coping with this massive hole I have please reach out to me, send me a pm, a text, a comment here. I am open for help, I am a human, and I am a work in progress.
