My Dad, Randy

Today is September 19, 2018.

It's one month since my dad died.

I haven't blogged in three years.

That may not be significant to anyone except me. In fact, I may not have any readers, and that is okay. I started this blog to keep my friends and family in the loop of our adventures in Colorado. I started it in 2010 and I cannot believe it's been that long. Our move to Colorado was, I thought, the hardest thing I could ever do. Turns out it wasn't the most difficult challenge I've faced. This, right now, losing a parent. Helping my dad in his last days, helping do things for him I never thought I'd have to do, that is the hardest thing I've ever faced. My writing right now is purely cathartic. I was told to journal, this is my version. This isn't private like a journal is, but I don't want it to be. I don't want to hide my feelings, I want to put them out there lest others feel similarly. Over the years I've occasionally re-read old posts, it's been nostalgic and enjoyable. I don't think this post will yield the same feelings, but it will serve as a reminder to me. Just 6 short months ago we got life changing news, and throughout the duration I've grieved, and grieved, In fact as I was preparing myself for my dad's impending passing I actually thought I'd grieved so much already that it probably wouldn't be so hard, and I'd be strong. Well, I WAS strong, and I continue to be strong, because sometimes it feels like I have to be the one to keep everyone else together. But, it was NOT easy. I lost grandparents. My grandmother Elsa, my dad's mother, was especially hard for me, we were so close. It's been 17 years since she passed and I still miss her. My dad though, dammit, this is a new misery. Tonight is especially hard as I was feeling sad all day and couldn't figure out why today seemed so much harder than yesterday or the day before. Then I realized it's been a whole month. A month that literally feels like a day. It feels as fresh as the day we found out he had cancer. I've learned that I've become a member of this club that nobody wants to be a member of. I know this as people have sent me private messages sharing their stories of losing a parent. It's a wound that doesn't heal I believe. I think it changes, but never goes away. Currently this is where I am at... I WANT to look at pictures of my dad, I WANT to watch videos of him playing music, I WANT to remind my kids how much Pop Pop loved them because I am terrified they will forget. But I can't. I can't do it right now, I have to avoid it all, and I am afraid it's going to double up and crush me when I least expect it. I found out that Arni has EAP through his job so that's on the list of things to do. I think I can get a grief counselor for a few sessions through that. I am not too proud to admit I need help coping. It's so strange how the rest of the world just rolls on and mine still feels like it's standing still. I imagine grief is like that though. I never realized emotional pain could manifest as physical pain, but I've since learned it can. I feel I am too young to have lost my father. I've lost so much more than that, I've lost the one person in this world who I feel understood me the most. The one person who would shoot me a glance from across the room and I knew exactly what he was thinking. The person who I could call and complain to about anyone or anything and he always remained neutral and non-judgmental. The person who I could count on to notice when I got a new haircut, or dressed up. He was never ashamed of paying a compliment either, my dad always told me I looked pretty, or how proud of me he was. In fact, immediately before my dad got sick I was accepted into graduate school. The first semester I was especially struggling and I sat next to him reading my chapters while he rested and he looked up and said "Kaytie, you know you don't have to go back to school for us to be proud of you, we are proud of everything you are." My dad wasn't necessarily a man of many words, contrary to what many think because he was such an entertainer.  He could work a crowd blindfolded, but when it came to real conversations, you know, the stuff that life is all about, those words were chosen carefully. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever written and you bet there are tears falling from my eyes. I haven't called my dad "Daddy" likely since I was 9 years old, and I never really thought of myself as a daddy's girl, but I think I was. I know he had a soft spot for me and I could really get away with asking more of him than anyone I know. I know that I am more like him than anyone else, I have his wit, his sarcasm and even some of his grumpiness. Towards the end, when he could still walk, I was sitting in their dining room helping my mom with her phone, when my dad got up from his chair, walked over to me and kissed me on the lips. Something he likely hadn't done in 30 years. I was immediately reverted to being a little girl and touched by his willingness to be vulnerable. I have no regrets, and I am thankful for that. I do not regret moving back to Florida, I do not regret not going back to work to help my parents, I said everything I wanted to say to my dad, I told him I loved him a thousand times, I gave him hugs, I kissed his forehead, I held his hand, and I told him it was okay to go. I wish we had more time together, I wish my kids got to know him better, and I wish cancer didn't exist, it's a cruel disease. I haven't even decided if I will start sharing my blog again, perhaps in time I will. I know I will feel joy eventually and I'll have some wonderful things to write about again. For now though, I've decided to take a break from social media, spend more time with my family and more time on myself. There is nothing like death to make you evaluate how you are living your life. It's a shame we don't listen better to those who have experienced before us. So I will conclude with this: If you are lucky enough to have one or both of your parents, give them a hug, don't feel silly to say I Love You. Extend that beyond your parents, hug your partner, your kids, your pets. Surround yourself with positive people who love you, do things that make you happy, don't be afraid to say no. Don't hold grudges, forgive. Don't wait too long to say you are sorry, say and do all the things you think you will have time for "one day", and don't be afraid to ask for help. If you have ever experienced something similar, or have suggestions on coping with this massive hole I have please reach out to me, send me a pm, a text, a comment here. I am open for help, I am a human, and I am a work in progress.

San Diego

 Recently we went to San Diego for 5 days. Arni had a conference to go to so Leif and I decided to come along and do some sight seeing as well as see my brother and his girlfriend whom live about 2 hours away. It wasn't quite as warm as we'd hoped so we didn't get to go swimming but we did catch a lot of sights. Leifur and I went to San Diego zoo and the aquarium. His first time to either. He slept during most of the zoo, which I also really enjoyed, what a great zoo. Then Leifur and I decided to explore and went to Cabrillo National Monument and then drive down to the tide pools. The Pacific coast is breathtakingly beautiful. The cliffs and edges, the foamy powerful waves making giant splashes, the cool salty air, everything.... amazing! I put him in the carrier and we hiked down to the pools. What a good baby I have, he just goes along with anything I do. The aquarium he absolutely LOVED! All the lights and movement, he was mesmerized. The next day  The also had this really cool kelp exhibit which I enjoyed.  When Brett and Sarah arrived we went down to Children s Beach in La Jolla to see the seals and sea lions. Another really cool experience, I've actually never seen a seal other than at the zoo, so I felt like a kid again too! After that we all went to a really cute bakery in La Jolla and we walked around the very sweet town. Brett had Leifur in the carrier and he soon fell asleep on his chest. I think both nephew and Uncle enjoyed this bonding time. We also went to the coast and hiked at Torrey Pines State Park. Another excellent place to visit! Hiking along the cliffs with an ocean view, can't beat it. At the end of the day, they took me to experience an acai bowl, which I am totally hooked on now, and then we all came back to our hotel to hang out and go to the hot tub to relax. Sarah and I took turns holding Leifur so the other could enjoy the water. We ended the night with a few beers and pizza and just talking back at the hotel while Leif slept. We really enjoyed visiting with them and were sorry it was over so quickly.

This was Leifur's second flight and he did super well again. Let's hope the streak continues for our trip next month to Washington DC. Leifur will be getting his Icelandic passport and Arni will get his renewed, My little viking a dual citizen already! I was reflecting back on how my very first flight wasn't until I was 15, when we flew to Maryland, and then not another until I was an adult. Of course wanderlust bit me and I haven't stopped since, and Leifur has two under his belt before 6 months old! I really hope he likes traveling as much as I do, I want him to experience the WORLD!

Trying his first food, bananas

My big guy is 5 months!

XC skiing!

Guess what everyone.......??? I got to go skiing for the first time since last season! I feel like a tiny part of my old life suddenly came back to me! Last weekend our good friends came for a visit and we took advantage of that and all went for a day of xc skiing. We pulled Leifur behind in the chariot and set out on Haymaker golf course. So So So fun and happy to get out! I may have even made the comment as we were finishing up and heading for a beer on how HAPPY I am to not be pregnant anymore! Ha Ha! Slowly things are getting better. I may never have my old life back, but now I have a better one. It may have a slower pace and earlier evenings but it's pretty dern swell! Last weekend I also got to have a girls night where Caitlyn and I went for real sushi (also a first for me since being pregnant) and saki bombs! We sat at the sushi bar and enjoyed watching the chefs make rolls and chatted it up girl style. We also got to have game night over the weekend and Caitlyn and Johan spoiled us by making Swedish meatballs and all the fixins' Swedish style. We also had enough leftovers to enjoy it again the next night!

Amma and Afi's visit

    Last month Arni's parents came for a 2 week visit to meet their newest grandson. They were a great help. We had meals made for us, the house straightened up, groceries bought and built in babysitters! Steini even washed our vehicles. Arni and I are usually on top on things and anyone who has ever been a guest in our house knows we try really hard to make it a special visit, keeping the house tidy, and stocking the fridge with lots of goodies. Since having Leifur though we are totally off our game. Although things are easier than they used to be, guests should not be surprised to arrive to a crazy house with no food in the fridge! We consider it a good night if we got one load of laundry washed (not folded, that's another days work), a semi hot meal on the table, and maybe just maybe catch up on one or two episodes of Vikings. All this is usually done when the baby is napping and or bedtime. I am also happy to report Leifur is going down for naps much better than he used to so I am actually able to get a thing or two done. Up until last week or so he almost always had to be held and rocked to fall asleep and then as soon as you would try to put him down he'd wake up and we'd start the whole process over again. This usually resulted in me giving up and just holding him while he slept. A nice feeling sure, but I would get absolutely nothing done. Sleeping through the night is not happening yet, but I remain hopeful we will get there eventually. I've heard breastfed babies tend to eat more often, and I guess I am just used to it at this point. Some nights feel particularly hard, especially the ones where I have to be at work at 6am, but overall it's manageable. I actually really enjoy nursing him and anyone who knows how much difficulty I had with this in the beginning will agree this is a huge feat. At one point I didn't think I could even make it until 6 weeks and now we are 4 months and counting. I feel quite confident we will make it to our goal of one year, maybe even more who knows!
    Anyway back to the grandparents visit, Leifur absolutely adored him Amma and Afi. Baby coos and smiles all around! We went skiing a few times as well. Once we went cross country skiing and brought Leifur along with us in his chariot. I am not as good at XC as I am downhill so it is more difficult for me, but everyone seemed to have a good time. After we all had lunch at Haymaker golf course. We also got to go downhill (my favorite) twice! The first time all four of us went and our good friends watched Leifur for a few hours. This was the first time Anna Marie and Steini had skied in Colorado and the first time they had ever skied at such a big ski resort. They were amazed and shocked at how many ski trails there were. It was my first time downhill skiing since last season before I got pregnant, and it was thrilling! I forgot how much I missed it and how exciting it feels to race downhill, skies cutting through the powder, cold wind slapping your face and the throbbing on adrenaline in your veins. Make you want to ski? Well it should! Arni and I got to go one more time just the two of us while the in-laws watched the baby. Little by little we feel we are getting our old selves back, well, even better we are getting our old lifestyle back with a bonus! Life is GOOD!

Grandma Kitty's visit

    A few weeks back we had the first of the grandparents visit, my mom. We actually surprised her at the airport with Leifur. She thought Arni was just going to drive down and pick her up, but instead we arranged to stay with friends for the weekend and pic her up in the morning. She was shocked! The was Leifs first trip to Denver and he did amazing. he slept the whole way there and then was an angel for us. My mom stayed one week and spent many hours cuddling with her grandbaby, giving me a few extra precious hours to sleep in. She also accompanied me to his first set of shots for moral support haha. In between baby cuddles and kisses we managed to ride horses through the snow, go to a painting class, take Leifur on a few outings and go to the hot springs. During her visit he started lifting his head up and smiling which were both milestones. Glad she got to witness that. Right now Arni's parents are here for a visit and I am back to work, more blogs later!

   On other news, we finally went downhill skiing for the first time this season and it was terribly fun! I forgot how much I missed it. We have been cross country skiing a few times, which is also fun, but downhill is by far my favorite! We will try to go once or twice more before all the snow melts. It is spring time here for sure! We have been enjoying tee shirt weather, the horses are losing their thick winter coats and I see little buds of grass poking up here and there. I can't wait for warm weather! The funny thing is at the end of each season I am so ready for the next. As much as I love summertime, at the end I can't wait for the snow to arrive, and about now I can't wait for the snow to melt! We are also very excited for our Florida trip and we also have a trip planned for San Diego. Brett and Sarah will drive down from their place to see us and meet their nephew for the first time. Leifur will be a fine little traveler, anyone who knows his parents well won't be surprised about that!

February

Hey friends, how are y'all? Árni and I have been well and we feel like we are finally settling into our roll as parents. Leifur sleeps a little more than he used to and breastfeeding is going superbly so we are certainly more confident to take outings. I joined this newborn network of Steamboat and have met some really great ladies and their adorable babies! We usually meet on Mondays for momma/ baby yoga, which is really a gentle yoga class and we are allowed to bring or babies lol. On Tuesdays is newborn network, which is a free class put on by the city of Steamboat which we learn a new topic every week and then if course socialize and recently I've actually volunteered to coordinate Wednesday outings with 6 other gals for us to do things like hike, or meet for coffee, park, ski things like that and of course we bring the little ones. This week yoga was canceled so the 7 of us went and had coffee and then for a walk, what a site seeing all these babies lined up, so cute! On Wednesday myself and two other gals took the babies on a hike at Emerald Mountain. It was snowy and a pretty good incline, so needless to say I realized how out of shape I am! Carrying around a nearly 12 lb baby isn't the easiest either! I have just two weeks left on my maternity leave which makes me incredibly sad! I never thought it would be so hard to leave him. Luckily I will only be working three days a week but that's still three days I'll miss out on Leifur's life! Even on the hardest of days, he's still the best decision I've ever made.

Last week we had some guests. My friend Tessa, who has been my friend for ten years, text me and said her sister Lyndee was temporarily living in Boulder. So we invited her to come stay with us, and it so happened that their mom Marilyn, was coming to Colorado for a visit so she came as well. They stayed with us two nights and man were they active! They went snowmobiling one day and dog sledding the next! I took them to strawberry park hot springs on Friday evening and Saturday morning we all went to Old Town Hot springs! This was Leifur's second trip to the pool and he loved it!  We really enjoyed having them and hope Tessa can make it next time!

Our Valentine's day was pretty swell actually. We started off the day with a family trip to the swimming pool, followed by milkshakes at our favorite drugstore, pho for dinner and then got the baby down to sleep and we caught up on some Netflix. They may sound boring to you but it was absolutely perfect for us!

We have much to look forward to in the next few months. Arni's parents will be meeting their grandson for the first time in a couple weeks and we hope to finally get some skiing in. Today is a wintery snow filled day and tonight is girls night for me!

zzzzZZZZZzzzzzZZZZ

Yep you got it, sleep. That is pretty much the only thing I dream of now days. I suppose this is a new parent right of passage we must all survive, but dern I can't wait for it to be over! On a good day/night Leifur will sleep in 2 1/2-3 hr increments on a bad night I'd rather not say. Friends just keep passing on words of encouragement and hope (even if it is a fib!) We will make it! The best thing though, is he is just so stinkin cute! Especially now than hes getting chunkier, I just want to kiss all over his double chins! The only time in life being toothless and having thigh rolls is cute. We are looking forward to Grandma Kitty's visit next week and Amma and Afi's visit in March. We also booked a flight to Florida in the spring, message me for dates! Leifur (and mommy) can't wait to see the ocean and have some warmth.
     I can't believe how fast these weeks are passing, my maternity leave has just over one month left and I'm sure that will fly by too. I hope we have some sort of routine established by the time I get back to work, because right now the routine is there is no routine! I have been getting braver and going on more outings sans Arni lately. Every time I do it, it gets a little easier. Our first trip was just to run a few errands and I swear I held my breath every time he made any little squeak! We also made a trip to the Ice Hockey rink to watch Arni and Johan practice and finally I went to a newborn class yesterday, which was surprisingly fun. I met some other new moms and the kiddos were all so cute interacting with each other. Of course, Leifur was unimpressed and slept the whole time, I also think going to groups like this is good for me, because I am still nervous about breastfeeding outside of the comforts of my home. Not because I am a modest person so much as I am just not super coordinated at it! We are both learning and will get better with time.
    This past weekend our friends came for a visit, which was really nice. They brought us snacks from Trader Joes, took us out to lunch and made us breakfast! I guess we traded out with baby cuddle time. Saturday, Arni and Johan went to open skate where they practiced some Hockey drills while Caitlyn, Leifur and I watched and then we all went downtown to Lyons's for a sandwich and ice cream. We played some board games that evening and ate Icelandic hot dogs. Sunday we all relaxed over coffee and a hockey game, The plan was to go into the hot tub as well, that is until we realized the circuit blew and the whole thing was frozen.. oops! Obviously we have had other things on our minds. It was a great weekend and we look forward to future visits.

Book Club with the ladies

Caitlyn wanted to ride through the snow =)

Caitlyn made this play mat for Leifur! It has little viking ships on it!